I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
