you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
