He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize