my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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