Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
