If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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