I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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