but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
