I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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