I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
there is glitter all over my balls
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize