I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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