I feel great
I just peed on a car
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
