I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
