totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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