Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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