so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
why do cheetos always look like penises
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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