I can tuck mytits in my pants
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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