Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
