I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
