you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
