Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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