So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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