My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
