The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize