he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
