Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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