Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
