my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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