he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
