I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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