cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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