Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
