how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
