I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
