So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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