So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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