Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
