you will always have a special place in my vag
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
