i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
