and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
