I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize