So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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