As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
