I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize