I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
