FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
God, I missed his penis.
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