Sorry, I don't speak sober.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
