there's paper in my vomit.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
