even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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