At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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