She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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