i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
