how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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