bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
