TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
