just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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