When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
