im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
