I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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