Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
