Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
