Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
