Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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