Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
