I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
